- Marya Kazmi
Leggo Your Ego
Sometimes the third party in a dynamic between two isn’t another person, it’s the ego of one individual that takes up space that should be for two people who love and care for each other. We all have egos and in most cases they can be there to protect us and remind us to keep healthy boundaries. Women and men both possess egos, but my point of view is seeing the world through the eyes of a woman and the experiences of my interactions with men. So my focus is on understanding and making sense of the impact a man’s ego, when left unchecked and given free reign in a relationship, has to create dissonance, distance and drive a woman away. Men’s egos show up in many ways to push a good woman who is patient and loving out of their lives.
Speaking from a woman’s perspective who has learned the tricks and tools to navigate and balance out a man’s ego it can become another job in your life which eventually you quit because, “Ain’t nobody got time for that”.
Without realizing it and recognizing his own actions and belief systems, an insecure man can allow his ego to overtake a relationship. Here are three ways a man’s ego can be the barrier to keeping a woman who is worthwhile and a gift in his life. All of these derive from insecurities.
Men who do not truly have inner confidence need to create barriers to either distinguish between themselves and others, or to distance themselves from others seeing their authentic selves. The first form of insecurity can be easy to spot for an intelligent woman. That is the pretentious ego. This is the man that needs to prove his strength, knowledge and hierarchy with you. That can come out by being difficult in a conversation where they insist there is only one way to see things. This might look like mansplaining. Possibly a man who tells a a woman who is a mother and professional that it is impossible to do both of those roles with fidelity and well. This man’s ego is driven by the insecurity he feels around a woman he knows doesn’t put up with bullshit and isn’t going to buy his lines and the game he normally spits to women.
Smart women call this pretentious BS from a mile away, and although they might make an effort to sift though that ego on the first or second date, the investment and space your ego takes on has completely exhausted this woman. Women who are evolved and know what they want are looking for peace with the people they choose to spend their time with. If part of that time is navigating, through and around a man’s pretentious and condescending comments to constantly challenge her thoughts and ideas, then she would be a lot happier spending an evening alone than with a douchebag whose ego is too big to see that he could put down his guard and he tough guy act to open up to a genuine person.
Then there is the insecurity that leads a man to become manipulative and controlling. His ego requires him to feel he has power over you and the relationship. This man ensures that his emotions and needs are the highest priority in the relationship. He will use manipulative tactics to control the narrative a woman has about her own worth in order to maintain control and ensure that she is emotionally dependent on him. The ego has taken center stage and is the star of the relationship. If his ego isn’t massaged and given space to breathe and grow, he will hold back affection as a weapon and pummel you with comments that break you down and reiterate that they are a gift to you rather than appreciating the woman in their lives. His ego is driven by his lack of confidence so he needs to feel more powerful and in control of a woman in order to feel like a man. This is the same man that feels the need to speak about his alpha qualities. The truth is a true alpha male just is, he never has to name it.
The third form of a man’s ego seems less drastic and isn’t so obvious. It may feel just like disconnecting and walking away, but the reality is ego drives the choice to distance. Ego can be ignited when someone is reminded of past experiences and a man who is triggered might perceive someone who is gentle and caring as a threat based on past dynamics. HIs ego is coming forth to protect him from possible harm. However, a man who is aware of these triggers will not allow his ego to take precedence over the woman’s feelings and needs. When he puts more emphasis on his ego he is sacrificing the woman’s heart and feelings of being harmed for his own comfort and in fear. Unlike the other examples this is not a selfish decision, but it is self centered rather than putting faith in a dynamic and partnership.
In the end, the impact is the same. Regardless of how your ego shows up and takes the space of a third party, if you allow it to, you risk the possibility of being with someone special and valuable that wouldn’t require your ego to have full reign. That type of woman would build you up because she naturally believes in you, she would validate your intelligence and protection because she notices it. These women know how to be partners to the men they are investing their time and energy into. When given the reciprocal respect of that trust and investment back, they can transform your world. Your ego may make an entrance once in a while, but it never becomes the third party to create a wedge.
Just because a woman has the tools to know how to stroke the ego when it feels low, massage the ego when it needs uplifting and even shrink their own needs in order to create space for the ego to breathe and exist for the sake of a man’s contentment, does not mean she wants to and will for the long haul. That same woman who is capable of managing your third party ego, will eventually tire of the extra work it takes to be with you and it. She will pull back her energy when your ego takes precedence over her feelings and hurt. She will remove herself from the physical space when your ego requires her to navigate a conversation around its insecurity and boyish behavior. She will avoid the exhaustion she feels in conversations with silence and limited expression. Because eventually she knows when your ego has become the new mistress in your life, she no longer has a place to sit, stand or even walk casually into.
If you have someone in your life who is an authentic soul and genuine person, do not allow your ego to block your blessing from seeing and experiencing their presence. Leggo the ego and embrace the opportunity of real love and partnership.
to learn more about the ego and watch me and lovely T breakdown how you gain control of your ego, watch my collaboration on a podcast called Bettermindz Interrupting S2 Ep 6.