Liberation is Letting Go
If I were to look into the future a year ago, the life I know today wouldn’t have seemed possible. In some ways the change was a reckoning, in others an awakening but through it all I was evolving into a better version of myself. I am calling this new chapter I have stepped into “Liberation & Peace”.
To recap: One year ago I was sitting in a courtroom emotionally punched in the gut by people I trusted, falling prey to manipulation and guilt. I was sure that the man I was falling for was focused on me alone and had thoughts of a future for us in his mind. I felt stable that I was financially finding my footing and was going to be ok to take care of myself and my kids without support from others who avoided responsibilities of finances and mental security. I was unbalanced in life, but I had some security in what I thought was through a friendship and growing adoration that was grounding me through the chaos.
That little bit of assurance in one person and having my little girl in my life led me to hold on fiercely and want to control the outcome with people and events for fear of losing it all. That tight grip only led to more pain and loss. It all came crashing down simultaneously heavier and harder than I expected. The universe and powers that be pulled the pin and threw a grenade right into my home and soul. All I could do from August to February was watch it all explode around me while trying to do my best to hold onto the shards of truth and reality I could trust.
What do we do when our world shifts beneath our feet and we literally have to find our footing on a ground that is constantly shaking or potentially breaking apart underneath us? Normally, I panic. I reach out to friends to keep myself busy and try to fill my time with other activities and projects. All the while hoping that by looking away from it somehow I would make the disaster disappear. That is where I began, but the only thing that finally allowed me to get through those months and the continuous blows was to sit still, reflect honestly and tend to myself in a way I had never done before. I was healing generations of wounds in a few months of time.
I had to start by letting go of everyone else and focusing on me. What I wanted, what made me feel good and what triggered me. I had to think through my fears and if they were even rational or steeped in a history of mistrust and emotional trauma from past relationships. I spent days and weeks without talking to anyone but my children and colleagues about work. Once my workday transitioned into evenings alone I tried alternate ways to relax and quiet my mind. Although nothing could stop the constant buzz and monologue in my head. I continued to honor myself and embrace the noise by channeling it into something that helped give me clarity. I gave myself countless pep talks in the mirror and left multiple voice memos to people I had things to say to, but knew would never hear them.
I spent a lot of evenings listless in an ugly crying mode and some laying on the floor in physical pain from the heartbreak all these people I loved were exposing me through. On good days the crying started after work, on the tougher days the tears and feeling loss would rush into me between one zoom meeting to the next. Thank God for remote working, in many ways it allowed me to heal sooner than I would have had if I had to actually face people and perform the show of “Marya” for extended periods of social time. I no longer had the energy to give to anyone more than I was capable of giving to myself.
It sounds miserable, and it was. But it was also necessary and truthfully I am grateful that it all happened as it did. I learned more about myself and my strength to persevere and recover in that small window of time. It felt like I had years of lessons in the span of four months. Which given how I am always a little extra in life, must be fitting I suppose. Everything I do and experience seems big. Even the painful moments.
Eventually I let go even more. The pain existed but didn’t drive me. I ventured out of the house and started hiking a familiar trail. I picked up Kundalini yoga and even started having weekly sleepovers with a girlfriend. Things began to shift and the pain felt more like a periodic discomfort but was bearable.
I let go and what was meant for me came to me.
I stopped trying to fix others.
I stopped having expectations for others to meet.
I stopped wanting others to support me or show up for me.
I stopped letting emotions make my decisions.
I stopped looking outside of myself for answers to solve my problems.
I let go and leaned into me and my own liberation. I was liberating my mind from limited beliefs and ill fitting constructs of how relationships with others are scripted. Then things began to shift. My children came back to me emotionally and slowly we started to heal the pain caused to one another. They recognized and saw my hurt and owned the behavior that caused it. My creativity started to grow and I was motivated to begin my own podcast “Pain to Power: Leading with Love. This shifted the focus from my pain to the healing others had done. I took control of my story and began to craft what and who I wanted to be. I came into the fold of a new soul tribe of creative visionaries who valued my ideas and saw the dreams I could bring to fruition. Liberation came from letting go.
Some things still remain unclear and inconsistent with the people in my life, but what I have learned for certain is that I have no control over what will or will not happen. I am liberated to just be and move through the world allowing the universe and higher power to guide me where I am meant to be and with whom I am meant to experience it all with.
I have no expectations
I release control
I detach from outcomes
One year later my children and I can look back at the dynamics of our relationships and reflect on the mistakes we all were responsible for. We can laugh at the ridiculous fears we held and acted on. One year later I can be rejected in love and still move forward knowing that what’s meant for me will simply find me and when it's right and I am ready.
Let go and liberate your heart and soul from the pain and life becomes more beautiful. Each day is seen and treated as a gift you have the opportunity to hold and appreciate.
This is not an easy process nor is it painless. But once you find your peace, there is no better place to stand in certainty when you know that you are right where you are meant to be.