Pain, Power & Facing Reality
My last post was on January 10th 2022. It was on the heels of my 44th birthday. A difficult day for me where I had hoped for a new start to find my footing and peace and was instead faced with pieces of my world unraveling from people in the past to players in the present.
So I stopped.
I stopped talking with friends.
I stopped going out.
I stopped connecting and sharing.
I stopped writing my story.
I stopped it all but the minimal effort it took to get through each day as a mom and professional.
I stopped experiencing life to figure out what and who I really wanted from and in mine.
But I am known for throwing my pain into making visions into reality. So the one thing I kept doing was creating a space for emotions to flow that were not my own. I began a show on my YouTube channel called Pain to Power: Leading with Love inspired by two of my blog posts. The show features the stories of people who have taken pain in their lives and empowered themselves while healing others. I could share emotional healing and pain without exposing myself in the ways I had been since the start of my blog in 2020.
I was encapsulated. This venture felt safe and distant. I was able to help others in their healing journey with the vision and words of brilliant and reflective people. It felt like a pause, not a stop. Until it no longer was safe or distant and I couldn’t deny what I was avoiding in this new step. The pain was real and staring me in the face to once again threaten to take my power.
For five of my Sunday evenings since the day after that difficult birthday, I have been interviewing men who are sharing stories of taking pain and turning it into power. Their stories and how they share them with the world are compelling and the lessons have resonated with me and many others on social media networks. But what it also did was remind me of the confusion that swirls inside this seemingly put-together woman I have been masquerading as for the outside world.
Each of them talked about the dynamics of relationships and how they and other men should and do respond to women they care for. Even though I sat across the screen as an engaged interviewer ready with my next question to guide the conversation I was stung. As they spoke, I was triggered and reminded of my own life that simultaneously has been crumbling around me. These are the moments that left me with pain of an unaddressed wound. Each one cutting deeper and differently as the months and my life unfolded in real time.
Moments from Pain the Power: Leading with Love
“I had decided I had broken a woman's heart. I had really hurt someone who really cared about me. She really loved me. She was what society calls a ride-or-die woman. And I didn’t treat her right at all.
Episode 1 January 10th the Memking4Real or Q
“A good woman is someone who wears her heart on her sleeves. Goes out of her way to please others. She is good to others and good to herself. She goes after what she wants. She listens to people’s opinions but she doesn't take it to heart. She doesn't let other people define her destiny, she defines her own destiny”
Episode 2 February 5th Daniel Khargie
“People who you are taking care of should want to value you in return. They should want to make sure you are ok. That’s the importance of self love. It's about being in exchanges where you know that you are also going to be taken care of. You feel at peace.”
Episode 3 February 20th Isaiah Frizelle
“I measure relationships with the little things. Is this woman checking on you? Is she worried about if you ate? How was your day? Does she try to connect with you at a set time? If she’s sitting at her desk at work, are you present in that space? If something is going on with your kids, does she care? Those are the things that make this a missed opportunity [with her]”
Episode 5 March 6th Charles Stokes
That last one hit me hard. I have given that to others and been that woman. Not only are there no poems or love letters coming my way, I was treated as an option among many other people or things. Only brought into the emotional space when it was convenient and on the whims of those men I gave years of my time or life to.
Each week I left the episodes feeling an incongruence of strength at having accomplished this awesome feat to launch my own show and contradicting sadness of a broken and bruised heart. Wondering what I have been missing that these aspects are not recognized or valued in me by the men I chose to be in my life and give my affection to.
It’s not a matter of just knowing my worth, it’s this constant gnawing of the thought of am I just that girl that will be the solid friend or the option but never the choice. Do these people in my past see the missed opportunity of what I was willing and always provided by simply loving without conditions and showing up consistently? And what does this mean for me as I try to shed the skin I was in that confined my growth and healing? How do I continue to come out whole and stronger than before?
The truth is I am tired.
Tired of holding up a façade that proves my strength and perseverance.
Tired of the continuous tests in love and life.
Tired of being undervalued and taken for granted.
Tired of hoping for a MAN who can be strong enough to hold my heart, soul and mind with care.
But I am also motivated to move through this exhaustion to a new perspective on life and love.
So today, I woke up a little lost and confused, but also with some realizations. I am no longer closing myself off and stopping all the things that feed my soul.
I am grateful to these guys, they reminded me of my power and what I deserve and want from the person whom I choose to give space in my life. That’s why I picked up the computer and started this post today. You will see more to come and flow in the months, but I wanted to share that I am back and prepared to write honestly and openly about the new chapter of my journey as an officially divorced woman in year three of this process to cultivate my peace, find love and make my visions into reality.
Stay tuned for more of this Brown Girl returning to myself and the interruption and examination of the world around me.