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  • Marya Kazmi

Parts 11-13 Lessons from a Trip Around the Sun

Lesson #11 Boundaries are a form of self love

Lesson #12 Discomfort is necessary for growth

Lesson #13 Pain can be transmuted into power

Lesson #11 Boundaries are a form of self love

The best gift I gave myself in 2022 was the decision to draw boundaries with the people in my life. This act of self love puts my needs before the discomfort and expectations of others. Particularly as women and mothers is not an easy decision to make. When my kids were toddlers, even my time in the bathroom was never alone. Boundaries were a luxury Mama wasn’t afforded.

As the nurturer and soft place for the kids to land, women don't get the same flexibility as men when it comes to boundaries. Our time and tasks are generally to fulfill the needs of others. That rolls into the way we engage with family and how we build friendships as well. For me, that was also my downfall as the “volunteer for everything” colleague.

But this year all of that came to a stop. It was slow, started with my children and moved into other areas of my life. Boundaries were how I continued to love and support my boys when we were in some rough patches, but did not allow their anger and judgment to influence my emotions.

In dating, I used to give a lot of people access to me because I thought it made me flexible and open minded. Now I know that it was really a lack of boundaries and an avoidance of someone else’s discomfort. I approach dating with serious boundaries. That can mean putting forth an equal amount of effort or lack thereof as the men or just being clear when someone’s energy doesn’t match my vibe and letting them know (kindly) that I will be choosy with who I invest in.

Sometimes I even create boundaries with myself. Allowing me to take a break and walk away from life and constantly creating or working to give back to myself and replenish. I have to remind myself that I cannot do and be everything all the time and it is more than OK.

My boundaries can seem like I am shutting out friends and family. I see it as a lesson and place of growth. They remind me that I am the only person who will look out for my well being, and if I don’t honor that for myself, no one will.

So they are not always up, the right people can soften my resolve and remind me that not everyone requires constant boundaries, but when they need to they show up and help guide me closer towards cultivating peace and liberating myself from the expectations of others.


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