She is the Truth
First off, I have been struggling with not only writer’s block, but also the exposure of having a blog all about my own challenges and life. It stopped me for months now from writing a new piece and sharing more parts of myself. I have been trying to pinpoint what this fear is rooted in given that for two years, my life has been circling the interwebs openly and without much restriction. But now, it feels different and scary to say too much, show too much and admit more than my heart is able to. As open as I am, I am strangely very guarded due to serious trust issues with people and for a moment in life, myself.
My first fear is this; by writing all the negative things that I am worried about not working in my life, I have made them my reality. In short I manifested crappy love, distancing from my children and internal unrest because I wrote it into existence. It may seem like a stretch and maybe even an egotistical way to view my power over my life, but I can trace back to words and phrases in my previous posts and see how they unfolded in the moments of my life.
Secondly, I have a story, but it is intertwined with other people's lives. emotions and their own complex histories some of which I know little about. It has been a struggle trying to protect their privacy, navigate the legal implications of my truth telling that exposed flaws and respecting their space to be free to make their own mistakes in life without the world knowing that struggle. Whether the topic is my past married life, my children or my current relationships with men, it’s complicated and involves more than me. The potential consequences that can result have to be navigated carefully. Which led me to simply not write.
Lastly, my life is constantly evolving and changing with new moving pieces. I am blessed for this reality and the opportunities, but it’s also pressure to be, do and create faster than my mind and emotions can process all that has been happening.
I say all this to say, those are the realities, but writing has also been a way for me to share my stories in an entirely different format that is more freeing and honest then a vlog, social media posts or interviews have been. That is an authentic piece of me, but as someone who recently has been trying to get to know me pointed out, I have many layers that are not easily seen by all. Writing unravels a new layer to knowing myself as an individual and for others to know my vantage point in life.
I think the layers are more familiar to many. Although most may not have them all at the same intensity or present in their lives the same way, the layers are what many of you may resonate with. I am experiencing real emotions, deep regret, questioning myself and others, trying to lean into faith and learning about myself and others through the process.
Marya is baaaaaaack and ready to dig into the truth of life and all the complexity it holds for me, for you and for all of us trying to just get through this constant battle of life to find and cultivate our peace and build community and connection in the process.