Maybe She's Worth It?
Know your worth. All the books, blogs and memes tote the importance of valuing yourself and not putting up with less than you deserve. I have been tossing this idea around since I left my husband. How do I get to a point where I appreciate myself enough that I never lose my dignity and worth?
In theory I can spout off all the things I recognize and value about myself, self love right? I know what I bring to the table is rare and valuable. I am an intelligent deep thinking brown girl with a little edge and sass, I’ve been holding down the fort financially, emotionally and mentally with 4 children young and old while also being a badass in my job. Lately with COVID hitting, I’ve been doing both roles simultaneously and with a smile. On top of that, I am a 42 year old woman whose face and body look like I am still in my twenties. I am the type of person that leaves an impression after one meeting with someone new. I know how to create trust and vulnerability with almost everyone and it’s a genuine connection. I advise friends, share wise words and make the people in my life feel seen and appreciated with thoughtful messages, words and gestures. You would think I saw myself as the full package and men were lining up at my door. But none of that understanding of myself, has led to me to truly get what it means to have self worth and value myself. I’m Sitting here in my forties and I have never truly known what being valued and appreciated feels like in a romantic relationship. That’s really on me. Not knowing my worth for real, has led me to accept the minimum when I deserved the maximum.
I have always known how to keep a facade of happiness up, even when I am lonely and hurt inside. It’s a super power that eats away at my core at times. It’s why I so desperately want someone to just let my guard down with. Desperation is dangerous and destructive. We accept crumbs and small inconsistent change and effort just to get a taste of something that gives you a fleeting moment of false connection and perceived affection.I spent seventeen years justifying inconsistencies and lack of reciprocation because of fucking desperation.
The first step to knowing and owning my worth is realizing that it’s not about him, it’s what I want and I won’t accept. I am done with being undervalued by grown and young men. So I am on this journey of learning what self love and knowing my worth is. I literally might have just arrived at day one, because for the first time since I can recall, a man’s insincere actions make me want to say, “fuck him, I ain’t got time for that shit”. Rather than my usual, “What could I have done wrong? Why am I not good enough? What makes me less worthy of being valued? Nope, today I woke up and thought, he’s an ass because he really thinks after all I do and bring to this relationship, that I deserve to be treated like some THOT off the street. As though after all this time of knowing me and having me in his life, he didn’t realise I am worth so much more than those petty man-boy games. I only hope that this trajectory stays the course and for the first time I am strong enough to know how precious what I have is and no longer give it to people who don’t deserve these gifts.
Ending an unhealthy pattern is self care. Knowing that I am not desperate, I just convinced myself that this will provide me happiness. I do believe that having a companion will be an addition in my life and I still want one. But I won’t accept less than a man that prioritizes the care of my heart and soul and avoids the things that cause me pain. Bottom line, he has got to deserve what I have and give. I’ve done my time with less than and I am ready and open to a real man who understands a woman’s heart and is prepared and ready to grow and be better for one another.